i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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