Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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