Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
