Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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