she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
