I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
