i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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