Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
