i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
