I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
