His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
