So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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