so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
