Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
