you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
