Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
