p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
