So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
