Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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