i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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