I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
