Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am available for nakedness
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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