Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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