is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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