I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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