hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
