i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
