Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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