its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
