So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
