A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
