Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
