did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?