you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
