She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
