Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
