I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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