Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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