I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
