Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
