final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
