i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My life is pants optional.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
