i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
