I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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