Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
