if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You are a genius and a whore.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i out mim tonsoeep
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