Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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