I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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