Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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