last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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