i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
