got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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