What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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