me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
