Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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