I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
