i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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