Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
