i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
